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So I skipped blogging yesterday, just to find a comment by a young woman like myself who tells a story which sounds all too familiar. First of all, thank you for sharing Simplyme, I truly believe.. talking about it helps!

In this entry I want to mention all the physical abuse I’ve experienced with him. Compared to others, my incidents might not sound so bad, but NONE of it should ever happen. The first time I felt scared by him was: He was in the bedroom, I went to the bathroom. Apparently, he still wanted me in bed. And so, when he asked what I was doing and I said I was brushing, he told me to go back to bed. I ignored him, so he came after me. In the bathroom he started yelling that why did I ignore him? I just kept brushing my teeth. The next thing I know, he lifts me up and is attempting to carry me to the bedroom. I started kicking until he returned me to the ground. Now it might seem like an overreaction on my part, maybe he was just being romantic carrying me to the room? No! If he had been carrying me without having yelled, maybe. But the look on his face, and the sound of his voice.. It was all saying ‘how dare you leave the bedroom when I haven’t allowed it yet!’ Nobody should live a life dictated by someone else. If you love someone, you can do so many things that maybe don’t please you but you do them out of love. But this should be your choice, not someone imposing on you!

The next time, a similar incident happened. I was in the kitchen and he was in the bedroom. Again, he ordered me to stop what I’m doing and go to the room. Its always the way he talks to me that bothers me and I decide not to listen. As his wife, I deserve some respect and love. If he wants me in the bedroom, he can ask me nicely and I would be more than happy to go. But to be ordered like a slave to stop everything and go to bed with him is just unacceptable to me. So I didn’t go and I told him he can join me in the kitchen if he wants to talk. He came and started to throw everything, the meat, potatoes… Then he was yelling that I never listen. Is cooking more important to me than pleasing my husband? I asked him to stop yelling. He said I brought it unto myself. If I’d listened none of it would happen.

I mentioned before that my ex and I used to live in different cities. Even after marriage, we lived apart for 4 months. I moved to his city December last year, and this is when things started getting ugly. He called me all these names, and insulted me and my family. He told me I was just a piece of shit, I was garbage and spat on me! I found out later when I went for counselling, that spitting is typical behavior of an abuser. In fact, I hadn’t even told the counselor, SHE asked ME: Did he ever spit on you? I was almost shocked that she’d know this. But I guess its common.

When he starts yelling, he comes right to my face. If I push him away, it becomes his opportunity to get physical with me. He pushed me many times throughout my pregnancy, pinned me down, strangled my face, twisted my arms…. And whenever I cried, he told me he was only holding ME back from hurting him. He always mocks me when I cry, he says “Oh, so you have a heart too?? You get hurt by what I say to you??”. My abuser has bruised my hands many times. He has slapped me twice and I got bruised on my face.

The last incident that really drove me to the edge was just a few days before I left him. He wanted me to go to bed with him at 10am. He’d worked a night shift,so when he came home in the morning he wanted me to go sleep with him. I had done this for the last 2 days, but when I get up later I have to cook and take care of the baby. So the house hadn’t been cleaned for 2 days. I told him I had to clean the house. He was off that day anyway, we could have slept later or at night. But he went to sleep mad at me. When he got up at 2pm, I was with the baby in the living room. He came and started yelling at me and cussing me out. He told me I’m a bitch, whom do I sleep with that I’m satisfied and I wont sleep with him?? I just kept quiet. He came and started kicking me. I asked him to stop but he got down and shoved me with both hands. This hurt me more emotionally than physically. That he would treat me like an object. Am I only good for sleeping with? Cant I clean when I want to clean and sleep when I want to sleep? Is it reason enough to kick and push your wife just because she didn’t come to bed when YOU ordered it?

Anyways, this is just some of the things I’ve been through with him. I know I deserve better. I deserve some love and respect. I have a lot to offer, and God will give me a better man. If he doesn’t, I will just raise  my daughter and protect her from growing up in an abusive environment. Lest she thinks this is acceptable and the trend continues.

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Last night I didn’t sleep at all.. I went to bed in the morning at 7am, coz I was online reading all these blogs about abuse. I searched how to get readers on my blog and it says ‘to comment on others’ blogs and leave my link. So thats what I did. This is the comment I left on someone’s blog… Well, its more than a comment. Its a short version of my story…

 

I met my partner almost 2 years ago. We lived in different cities and dated for 7 months before marrying. I saw all the bad signs (that he would be controlling and very possibly abusive) and tried to push him away but he was so persistent. I have a friend who is in an abusive marriage and she warned me not to marry him, but like many women, I thought if I show him enough love he will become the ideal husband.

My abuser is also a drug abuser, but he pretended that he’d quit everything when he met me. I know now that he hasn’t. Pre-marriage he only called me a bitch once, and he was drunk. At first I told him thats it, its over, but then he apologized so much I forgave him. Big mistake! I should NEVER have taken him back! Not after he called me a bitch. Regardless whether he was drunk or not. Its NOT acceptable to curse your ‘girlfriend’ or whatever I was to him at that time. He never insulted me again until after marriage. Just a month after marriage, he started verbal abuse. He cursed at me, my parents, my whole family.

My abuser isolated me from friends and even relatives, female relatives!! I wasn’t allowed to mingle with my relative who was separated from her husband because single ladies would influence me badly. I agreed with everything he asked thinking that we’d reach a point where he’ll be satisfied and we’ll get along. But things only got worse.

After isolation, he started controlling what I wear. He fought with me about perfume, make up, and finally I stopped wearing these at work. Still it wasn’t enough he wanted to control my finances. I couldn’t allow this. I got pregnant and he never felt any compassion for me. He said I was using my pregnancy, that my hormones were making me irrational. I was almost 8 months pregnant when I left him the first time.

I had to live in a shelter for about 2 weeks and then I went to stay at my brothers house (in another city) and started mat leave. At first when I left, he promised me to do everything right so I would return. But my family advised me not to return. So I stayed at my brother’s and called him the day I went into labor. Instead of putting our differences aside and coming to be supportive, he started abusing me when I was on the phone with him. I think this was among the most hurtful moments of my life.

Anyway he came to see the baby and wouldn’t stop crying. I went back to him when our daughter was 2 months old. It all started again. It got even worse coz this time he didn’t hide that he was smoking pot. He just kept calling me names, pushing me here and there, throwing things around, and coming home high as a kite.

I left him 3 weeks ago but not intending to leave for good. I just came to my home city to relax for 2 weeks but the mental relief I experienced being away from him just made me decide to end it. Yesterday I went to take all my things from his house, I left his key and here I am. I’m going to start afresh. I only pray to God to give me the strength to raise my child. I pray that I give her so much love, she doesn’t even feel a void if her dad isn’t in her life.

I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I know I have done the right thing. I know I’m strong. I will work hard and provide a comfortable happy life for my daughter. I have a loving and caring family who also support me. So I’ll be fine, God willing!

 

Its 4.01am on Dec 9th 2012. I got on the computer coz I couldn’t sleep.. Yesterday I made the biggest step (I believe) of ending my relationship with my partner of almost 2 years. Its a scary place to be, where I am right now (not physically, but mentally and emotionally). I have a daughter who is exactly 6 months old today, and to think that from now on its me and her… scares me… But I know it was the right thing to do. To end my relationship with her father. The relationship wasn’t healthy.. It was quite exhausting, to have to struggle every day coz we can’t get along.. Its as though we speak different languages, but we actually speak the same language… I think I should rest now.. Its really late. I’ve heard many people say that blogging helps them. I don’t know if anybody will read this, if anybody will respond.. If I’ll feel any better.. If some people will criticize me.. I’m not sure… But this is my first step. I need to air my thoughts and feelings. If I get support, it might really help the healing process. Ok, I’ll end here. If you’ve taken the time to read this, I appreciate it. One day I hope to say to my readers… I love u all 🙂 So I’ll pretend that I already have readers.. I love u all 🙂

I don’t have a specific plan for my blog.. I just want it to be a place where I can tell my stories.. in whatever order that comes naturally.. So come along for a ride, it might get dark sometimes but there’s always light at the end of the tunnel! I’m still searching for mine (light), but I know its coming! With love…